Casual sex is distracting you from your higher self: 3 years of celibacy, singleness and lessons.

That’s right – 3 years, the conception of my youngest child is the last time I …. Ya know. #eggplantemoji ...

I do not claim to be some sort of saint, but there are some huge home truths that have occurred for me about an identity that I tied to “being loved”.

I have been a victim of sexual assault, harassment, bullying and slut shaming in my 29 years of life – apparently its common for women to experience all of these things - ew. I have also made bad mistakes in concerns with who I have chosen to be with in the past - regret, at times forcing others to “love” me – gross, embarrassing, shameful. My misguided ideas about what it means to be loved have affected my perception of reality for a very long time, unknowingly becoming a perpetrator myself of toxicity and emotional abuse.

I have been in some serious relationships and some not so serious ones. Physical intimacy is a lot more complicated than what I had ever imagined. As I have grown older, I have learned about different people through experience, I have studied psychology, anthropology, behavior and spirituality. I look back at the path I took to find love and wish I had waited. I look back and wish the younger me could have known and seen herself as; loved, as enough, as valid and beautiful - regardless of sex. I wish I could’ve loved myself without the validation of a man, without the reassurance of a lover. I wish I could’ve loved me and known me and been more patient with me.

This is not a judgement call in concerns of casual sex. What women do with their bodies is THEIR CHOICE. This is just an informed and experienced view of my social sphere. Because whether you believe it or not, your self esteem is tied to your relationships, especially the physical ones. I’m not going to flat out tell you that sex is a bad thing, that would be incorrect. What people need to understand is that sex is an exchange between 2 people. The dynamics depend on the nature of the relationship and the circumstance of its occurrence. Its about spiritual energy, its about mental stability, its about social conditioning, its about LOVE. Respect. CONSENT.

The dynamics of a sexual experience hinge on consent. There should be an entire course on consent that we have to complete before having sex. It needs to be apart of sex education in school. CONSENT IS EVERYTHING. It’s so more than just “yes” or “no”, its about coercion. Are we saying yes under threat? Are we saying yes under pressure? It’s about boundaries. Do I feel like I still want this? Can I bow out if I’m not into it? It’s about knowing what we are consenting to. Or even, is this what I agreed to?.

art via The Badger Herald ( https://badgerherald.com/ )

And then the elements that certainly litigate the word “YES” – such as AGE. It doesn’t matter if a younger person throws themselves at you and that’s why it is called AGE OF CONSENT. If a person is under the influence of anything: - Its always a no go. If you are in a relationship – you’re allowed to say no and have the right to bodily autonomy – regardless. This is basic stuff that a lot of people don’t understand. Men have the right to turn you down ladies. Soz.

Sex changes the chemistry in your brain. Sexual desire has the ability to create obsession, frustration, and decisions where we place our value in these sexual relationships or absence of… but in overcoming your base instincts you allow yourself to reach a place of logic, of idealization. I like the example of Freuds levels of consciousness;

The point of this diagram is to reflect on human existence as stages of conscious being. We all have physical needs and desires. As we grow in out intellect and consciousness we develop a sense of higher discipline. Discipline enables us to make better decisions, based on long term growth, rather than immediate gratification. If you haven't heard of this before; immediate gratification is what we search for in things like junk food and drugs. We know its probably not the best option but its what we want at the time. Versus delayed gratification that forces us to wait for a better outcome. Such as studying every day for 4 years in order to achieve a qualification at the end. Or eating healthy food everyday to reach a certain standard of health. Casual sex removes us from delayed gratification and into immediate gratification.

This is what I know about the importance of waiting for the right person.… of trying celibacy. Waiting means you allow yourself to know yourself, you allow yourself to love yourself, you allow yourself to become comfortable as an individual. Waiting means you allow yourself to learn about the more important things in life. Like self development, your health, your family, your education and your career. Celibacy has enabled me to commit to endeavors that I never would have considered in a relationship. A partner of course, can support and encourage you in your life ambition. But until we reach our complete and whole selves as individuals we can not bring %100 into any relationship.

Celibacy has given me the lens I needed to navigate all my relationships. From where I spend my time and who I spend it with, to what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. There is psychological power in celibacy. There is strength in choosing the abstinence over comfort. Much like sobriety, celibacy is the lifting of a mental “fog”. You will learn who respects you and your space. When you say no, more often.