Love, growth and patience: Reaching 4 years of celibacy

When I tell people that I am celibate there is a misunderstanding that I have not had any options. Like every other woman in my generation, the internet creates an endless supply of available men. And some of them have been perfectly eligible bachelors but they are not the man I need. The journey for me now, is about standards. It is about matching my mentality. It is about being suitable to spend every single day together. It took me 3 years to open my heart again to the possibility of love and romance. I was so broken and unhealed from my past trauma that the idea of a relationship gave me anxiety.

I wrote an article this time last year, about my lessons and the way my mentality toward sex had been changed. It was different this year, I fell in love. TWICE. And both of those times I thought I had found the man I had been waiting for. If it had not been for quarantine, I probably would be married to the first one right now. He was everything I had prayed for, but because of the distance, I grew distracted. Maybe it was not meant to be or maybe it just proves that I was not made for that particular relationship. He was from the other side of the world. We shared the same faith, he was intelligent, very handsome, hardworking, honest, ambitious, and kind.

He reached my heart through scripture which is something I had never experienced before. The expectation I had for myself in that situation was very, very high. I did not feel like I was the person he needed or deserved, and I folded out of fear that I might have to change some parts of who I was. You could say it was a power thing as well. If I dismantle my reasons, he would have been worthy of my submission. I can not naturally let go of my control, it goes against who I am as a person. Either way, I alone was the determining factor that ended that relationship. I trust that things will always turn out they way they are meant to be in end. I was not acting in the capacity to be his wife.

It lasted between 5-6 months. And I had many anxieties about the idea of being with a man. Because the equation of love for me now, is not between a man and a woman. This time I bring children. The person I am, is not the same as who I was before bringing babies into this world. All my decisions surround the impact it will have on their environment. I get self-conscious about bringing someone into their lives. So even now, I have not introduced them to anyone. In their world, I am a singular entity, mummy does not have a partner. It is certain that without them, I would be an entirely different human being. And most surely not choosing celibacy.

The next time I fell in love was different. This was a connection I had never anticipated. It came as a complete surprise. And I could be my whole self with him. If it had not been for my spiritual beliefs and my family, I would have sought everything possible to be with him. He was Māori, he was a gifted rapper and even the sound of his voice made me feel crazy. We made music together and we connected on a spiritual, mental, and emotional level. I felt as though I had found the other half of me. We talked in depth about why and why not, and we were going to become a real couple. The cons outweighed the pros, he felt that it wasn’t right, and it was excruciating letting him go. We both prayed and were given universal signs that it would be a danger zone. I tried with everything I had to hold on. The stress of my mental health took over and I fell into a deep depression. I could not move or eat for 3 days and all I did was cry. I felt such a huge loss this time because he was epitome of what I had only dreamed for in a romantic connection. It was not long at all, a number of weeks but I fell hard and fast. We never physically shared space and if we had, I would no longer be celibate. I was ready to give my all, but it seems as though the powers that be, intervened.

As time goes on, I am realizing more what kind of man I want to be with. The longer I stay celibate, the more detailed my list becomes. When I was younger, I did not have standards for love and relationships. I did not place value on my heart and body and mind. It took me a lot of darkness and lessons to learn about partnership. It took a lot of disappointment to learn about the importance of sharing long term goals together. I had to experience all levels of abuse to understand the truth about honesty, respect, and transparency. I want to be with someone who will share my family values, hopes and dreams. To be open about everything, good and bad. I want to feel safe enough to let my guard down. I want who I can pour all my love into and have no regrets or questions that he was sent for me. So until then, I am concentrating on being the best woman I can be. Because if it's meant to be, it will happen.