The real predators are among us.

Painting: "Hands of the puppeteer" By Sara Riches

Trigger warning: It’s about to get real. Back out now if you’re sensitive.

So here we are, I’m gonna dig into my own little shop of horrors in hopes that I get the closure I deserve but maybe It’ll help the next soul avoid a similar fate. Sharing my experience, as well as pointing out patterns that I’ve seen co-align with other people’s encounters with abusers will theoretically help you, spot the abusers in your own life and the lives of the people you care about.

Nobody will ever know the whole truth about what happened to me because its extensive and I don’t want to put that much energy into writing a novel detailing my darkness…. It’s only a segment of my life. In light of Epstein and Wayfair I feel it’s important to point out the fact that most predators are not elitist millionaires with fetishes but people who are close to you.

There are always, misunderstandings. These stories are always riddled with shame and guilt. We protect our abusers because often, as fucked up as it is. We once loved them. Most abusers are not strangers in back alleys. They are family members. Friends. Teachers. Coaches. Church leaders. Colleagues…. They are trusted members of our community. You need to understand that real predators are people who are loved by their families. They have relationships. Careers. Why do we paint them as solo, lone range, serial, psychopaths who have no circle??? You need to know that REAL PREDATORS ARE PEOPLE YOU TRUST. They are always charismatic. Often talented, socially competent and not fitting a stereotype of a weirdo in a trench coat who stalks a playground with a camera. Real predators can be parents. Predators can be siblings. Predators are among us, in our homes and we don’t see them because we don’t want to.

We protect them and keep their secrets for many reasons. Embarrassment. We don’t want to be seen as people who would associate with them… Disbelief, surely this person I know and love and care for could never!? Would never!? You choose not to see it because it reflects upon you as a person. I’ve seen wives stand by husbands for decades (and some still are loyal) to those who abuse them and their children because they just will not acknowledge the truth. Know this: You don’t need someone to specifically tell you something is wrong. Because deep down you know. Please, do not wait for proof. Your instinctual feelings are placed there within you – flight mode – as a protection.

He was a close friend of our family. Employed by my parents. He was my mentor. My caregiver. My teacher. And my friend. Abusers are always in a position of power and trust. They take advantage of a trusting relationship and push the boundaries to make way for their selfish desires. They not only prey on their victim, but everyone connected to their victim. They will manipulate every person available to their own ends. Through friendship, through supposed love and trust. They will make sure they have what they want at any cost. An abuser doesn’t need to get their victim alone behind closed doors, it happens in houses full of people, shared spaces too….

Abuse isn’t black and white, its coated with bits and pieces of things that appear to be love. It can be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual... and sometimes in my case - all of the above. You will receive admiration. Gifts. Rewards from your abuser. They will make sure they are the most important person to their victim in order to maintain control and dominance. It is not always outward acts of physical violence, of course it can be. But it starts with mental abuse, games. Emotional extortion. Young people are easier to manipulate. When it comes to predators they will extract a young person on the basis of them being an available target. These are facts.

A predator will give attention, compliments make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. They garner your friendship first. I was given a phone. Obviously as a form of control. I even had his eftpos card on some days. He also gave me alcohol for the first time, on one occasion I got very drunk on charteuse. There are more incidences than I can count with this person .... It all came at a cost. They make you feel good about yourself. They boost your confidence and self esteem. This is how it starts. He would get me to talk about my feelings and every single thing I thought and felt. He weaponized my trust and my innocence against me. He made me think that he was the only one who really cared about who I was and what I thought. Did you know a predator will shower you with ultimately anything imaginable to place you under their thumb? Gifts. Trips. Outings. You will be spoiled and catered to by a predator. Under the pretense of affection... It’s a way in. Predators are charming. They will fool you into trusting them, liking them. You can and will even enjoy their company. And that’s all apart of the dynamic. Its about power.

AGE OF CONSENT: Lets get it straight so everyone understands. A minor can not, in any situation give consent. That’s why we have legal ages to outline when someone is old enough to make decisions about sex. In New Zealand the legal age is 16. BUT only with a person who is between 16-18. When you are over 18 you can only legally engage with those over the age of 18.

I was 13 the first time… he was 22 It wasn’t until I eventually reached the age of 22 I came to understand the depth of deception I had faced. I knew nothing of love. Relationships. In hindsight it was an entire recipe for disaster that could have been avoided in so many ways. It was at least a year of grooming before it got to the stage of sexual abuse…. There were those in my life that called it. But it seems the fear of reputation had overcome my family and we all stayed silent. Maybe they were respecting my privacy. I eventually went to the police and made statements but I didn’t want to use words like rape or molestation because I didn’t understand them. My idea of the situation was clouded with loyalty, and misplaced respect.

Knowing what I do now. Terminology is key. We have to educate out families, our children about boundaries. What is right and wrong. Knowledge is power. Guidelines surrounding decent behavior is necessary. My children are going to have all the means to communicate with me that they do not feel safe. And as a parent, I will honor their comfort zones and boundaries because that is my job. Anyone crossing the line is getting cut.

Manipulation: Once you have trust, friendship, grooming – the manipulation comes easy. He chose what I wore and made me wear big baggy clothes as to cover my body. And male friends I had or any males I socialized with always followed a big tantrum, a big fight, he would mentally and emotionally abuse me every single day. I was constantly apologizing for who knows what and seeking his approval. There were many times I tried to escape the relationship and he threatened to kill himself. He would start fights between me and my parents and console me afterwards. He would lie to everyone about what was going on and make sure I wasn’t telling anyone. Obviously, if you have to keep it a secret, its wrong. He knew all along what he was doing and in hindsight I am baffled at the level of abuse. A predator will turn the victim against their family. The abuse is beyond physical it’s a mental trap. I’ve seen so many stories where the young person runs away to be with their abuser.

Can we talk about this more? Can we save ourselves and our future children the damage and mistakes of our past? Can we look at ourselves, properly and ensure our children grow up in a safer world?

One of the biggest reasons we don’t come out about our abuse and abusers is victim blaming, I have been told it was an ‘affair’, been told that I was in a position of 'trust'.... that I had some sort of accountability. Which is completely false, and I know many other young people are in situations now where they feel guilty and ashamed and that it is somehow their fault. The law is the law for a reason. And has been put in place to outline what is right and what is wrong. No underage person under any circumstance is responsible for their abuse. Nobody is ever asking to be abused.

I don’t want to detail the sexual abuse. It makes me feel sick still. I feel I need to share the facts about predatory behavior. The patterns. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I would never have shared this without knowing my story had some purpose. As I get older, I find myself thinking back on my situation and learning about other peoples abuse and I see the signs. These are the signs. Stay conscious. Most of all trust your instincts. Dot not wait for proof. Cut predators off at the pass. There is always a way out. Honesty is your best chance of fighting for what is right. Stand your ground when it comes to your children, do not back down when you know boundaries are being crossed.